I decided to create this blog in hopes that it will be a tool in helping me through my journey to recovering from my eating disorder. I can't believe I'm even having to admit the fact that I do infact suffer from an eating disorder and I'm in fact one of those young women that place value on themselves based on their appearance but apparently thats the truth of my life right now.
I'm 25 a mother of two amazing kids. I have a wonderful husband and supportive, loving family. From the outside I look like I have it all. But if people only knew the lie I have been living for the past 3 years. The lie that forces me to feel hungry all day, but not to feed myself. The lie that forces me to hate myself everytime I look in the mirror. The lie that causes so much physical issues, like my loss of menstration and my dizziness, moodiness, and anxiety. If they only knew the real truth, I'm sure they wouldn't envy me in the least!
I say that today is my day 1 of recovery because today is the first day I actually went to my family doctor and through many tears, finally let the words come out of my mouth that, yes in I'm starving myself on purpose, and yes I do need help! Lucky for me my mother was able to be there for support, otherwise I'm sure I would have never had the strength or courage to go into that clinic on my own. The doctor weighed and Measured me. She said I weigh 100 pounds and that I'm 5 foot 3 inchs tall. She said I'm to small for my height but all I could think was 100 pounds,,I was hoping I was below that by now. Sick I know, but thats the way my eating disorder mind works now. She is sending me for tons of blood work next Thursday the 22nd and is making me take 20mg of the anti-anxiety medication called cipralex, in addition to beginning outpatient treatment at an eating disorder clinic. I'm scared out of my mind! All I kept thinking was, oh my god I'm going to have to put on weight! As much as I know I have to get better and want to get better for my family and my self, the thought of actually having to change my lifestyle and my food restriction after 3 years is almost more then I can take. I'm almost regretting going to see the doctor because now action has to be taken. I just hope I can do this! Now I wait to here from the eating disorder clinic and see when I can get in and start treatment. Not sure how I'm going to make it work with the kids, as Im a stay at home mom, but hopefully I can make it work. I have to make it work! I will keep you posted and hopfully someone out there can lend me some support as I start this journey to recovery. God knows I'm going to need all the help I can get!
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