November 30th - Councilling Session

Yesterday I had my first councilling session with an eating disorder councillor. It went better then I thought. She was nice, and not in that creepy phycologist way, but just down to earth and real. It was easy to open up to her and I think she will be able to help me manage some of my feelings about my eating and let go of some of this control that I feel I need to have over everthing in my life. It's a good thing that I liked her because my doctor told me today that it will be at least a 8 to 9 month wait to get into the eating disorder clinic. I feel like I need to just work with this councillor and focus on getting healthy on my own. I can't count on that clinic for help...after all 8 to 9 months is a long time away and I pray to god I wont be in the same spot as I am right now by then!
On a happier note, I have been making some strides with my eating and forcing myself to consuming a bit more then normal. It's funny how right away I can feel my body getting more strength and energy just by eating more. It's like my body is craving those calories and is so happy once it gets them. I hope I can keep positive about it and keep trying to get well. I have a trip to Mexico booked for x-mas and It will be hard to eat there not knowing how the food has been prepared. Also I will want to loose weight to look good in my bathing suit. All this will be a challenge I'm sure!

November 25th - Praying for Contentment

Today I'm wishing for contentment...I'm praying to somehow find a  happiness and a peace within myself. Trying to make a habit of focusing on the good instead of the bad...it's always been a challenge for me, but then I see a sick child or hear of a young women with cancer and I realize just how lucky I really am. It makes me feel like a fool to be so worried about petty things, like my looks, when some people are dying or dealing with loss or sickness. Seem pretty stupid when you look at it that way. Life is good overall! There is so much to celebrate and so much to be thankful for. I have so much to live for and so much to get health for. My eating hasnt improved yet, but I'm hoping that my heart and mind are open to change. I start my councilling on Tuesday and I feel like I'm ready to start this battle! I'm ready to live again and to truely experience my wonderful life again! I am really so lucky and so blessed and I think it's time I show some appreciation for that instead of always being negative and always wanting more. Because when you really take the time to look around...this life is pretty great:)

November 23 - God I love my Kids:)

I'm so lucky to have such amazing kids. I know every mom feels the same way, but I know that I really am blessed to have such a smart and beautiful daughter, and such a loving and handsome little boy! My daughter is turning 4 in a month and she is such a little lady already. She is always telling me that I'm the bestest mommy in the whole wide world and how much she loves me...it's probably just to get what she wants...but I never get sick of hearing it from her:) I watch her with her babies and how she pretends to be their mommy. She is so calm and sweet with them, always hugging and kissing them. Out of all the things I've done wrong in my life, I know I did something right when I look at my kids.
My son just turned 1...I can't believe he is already a year old. Time flys with number two. I was so scared when I got pregnant with a boy...not sure how I was going to handle playing with a boy and doing boy things. Truth is now that I have him...I would have 10 more boys. There is something about a bond between a mother and her son that is so special. He just adores me and I can't get enough of him. We could just sit and cuddle all day with eachother and be just content.
The greatest gift I ever got in this life was the chance to become a mother. I feel like I don't know what I ever did to get so lucky...to get to be Aaliyah and Bryson's mommy! If their is anything in this world that is going to give me the strength to get well and to live a healthier life it's my babies. I hope they always know how much I love them both!

November 21st - Learning to Love myself

At this very moment, you may be saying to yourself that you have any number of admirable qualities. You are a loyal friend, a caring person, someone who is smart, dependable, fun to be around. That's wonderful, and I'm happy for you, but let me ask you this: are you being any of those things to yourself?

This is deffintely me! I am always trying to be the best friend, wife, mother, and overall person I can possible be, so that I can impress everyone else around me. I am always wanting to be envied and for people to believe I have it all together. But the truth is it doesn't matter how many people envy me or how much I "appear" to be incontrol of my life. I always know the truth within myself. I know that I am a good person and that I would do anything for my friends and family, but I also know that I have alot of unresolved issue from my childhood and alot of problems with how I view myself. I feel like I'm good to everyone else around me, but I'm not good to myself. It's one thing to realize this but how the hell do I just learn to love myself and to like who I am on the inside and out?
When I was young I had 2 other cousins that were almost the same age as me. Because we grew up in a very small town and were in the same grade we had so much compition amoungst us. Our parents made it worse by playing into the compition themselves and always pinning us against eachother. The truth is I always felt like the ugly one of us three...I felt like I was the fatest and the least popular. I feel like that caused me to act out alot when I was younger, just trying to find my own identity and where I belonged. I dont talk to either cousin anymore, or my aunts and uncles. I hate the fact that I have let them influence my own opinion of myself and my self-esteem. I hate that I have given them so much power and continue to do so even today as I struggle with an eating disorder, just desperatly trying to be prettier and better then them, even today! The truth is until I feel good enough in my own mind I will never be happy with my weight or my appearance. I took over their job of making me feel like shit. I wonder if they ever feel the same way as me?!

Day 2 - This is going to be way harder than I thought

I talked to the mental health in my town today and was able to set up my first session with the phycologist for the 29th of this month. As I was doing the evaluation with them on the phone I felt like such a loser. I just can't believe I've turned out this way. I used to be the girl that would make comments and judge other when I seen that they were restricting food or when a girl looked to thin to be healthy. Now I'm that girl and I feel like everyone around me notices and talks about me like I used to talk about others.
The man evaluating me today asked me if I have ever been molested. I had to tell him about the time I was 6 years old and my uncle who was 17 at the time touched me. I've never told anyone that before and certainly never wanted to talk about it. He told me it's something that I have to be prepared to share in the sessions. That in alone is making me second guess this whole "getting help" idea altogether. I try to be a positive person and I'm scared to death of the kinds of feelings and memorise that are going to be brought up through this recovery process. I dont know if I'm strong enough to face all my self esteem issues and all my hard times growing up. I feel like I just want to shut down and not to have to think about this anymore. My husband and family keep wanting to talk to me about it and wanting to "know how I'm feeling" I just want to scream and tell them to leave me the fuck alone. I don't feel like sharing anything right now, it just makes me feel like a failure, like I'm different then everyone else.
On top of being scared about opening up, ever since I went to the doctor yesterday I hardly will let myself eat at all. It's like I know that soon enough I will be forced to eat and to gain weight as part of getting healthy so I'm trying to starve as much as I can right now in order to make up for all the weight I'm scared to put on in the near future. I'm so scared of loosing control. I feel so tired and so sick, almost like the flu, but I can't stop restricting and even though I'm beyond tired I can't stop excersing either. Today I was dancing with the kids and I found all I was thinking about was dancing around faster and harder so that I could burn a few extra calories while I'm at it. So crazy:( I so hope that in the next few days my meds will start to kick in a bit more and hopefully help me to relax through this process, otherwise I'm worried it's a fail before I've even started!

Day 1 on my journey to Health!

I decided to create this blog in hopes that it will be a tool in helping me through my journey to recovering from my eating disorder. I can't believe I'm even having to admit the fact that I do infact suffer from an eating disorder and I'm in fact one of those young women that place value on themselves based on their appearance but apparently thats the truth of my life right now.
I'm 25 a mother of two amazing kids. I have a wonderful husband and supportive, loving family. From the outside I look like I have it all. But if people only knew the lie I have been living for the past 3 years. The lie that forces me to feel hungry all day, but not to feed myself. The lie that forces me to hate myself everytime I look in the mirror. The lie that causes so much physical issues, like my loss of menstration and my dizziness, moodiness, and anxiety. If they only knew the real truth, I'm sure they wouldn't envy me in the least!
I say that today is my day 1 of recovery because today is the first day I actually went to my family doctor and through many tears, finally let the words come out of my mouth that, yes in I'm starving myself on purpose, and yes I do need help! Lucky for me my mother was able to be there for support, otherwise I'm sure I would have never had the strength or courage to go into that clinic on my own. The doctor weighed and Measured me. She said I weigh 100 pounds and that I'm 5 foot 3 inchs tall. She said I'm to small for my height but all I could think was 100 pounds,,I was hoping I was below that by now. Sick I know, but thats the way my eating disorder mind works now. She is sending me for tons of blood work next Thursday the 22nd and is making me take 20mg of the anti-anxiety medication called cipralex, in addition to beginning outpatient treatment at an eating disorder clinic. I'm scared out of my mind! All I kept thinking was, oh my god I'm going to have to put on weight! As much as I know I have to get better and want to get better for my family and my self, the thought of actually having to change my lifestyle and my food restriction after 3 years is almost more then I can take. I'm almost regretting going to see the doctor because now action has to be taken. I just hope I can do this! Now I wait to here from the eating disorder clinic and see when I can get in and start treatment. Not sure how I'm going to make it work with the kids, as Im a stay at home mom, but hopefully I can make it work. I have to make it work! I will keep you posted and hopfully someone out there can lend me some support as I start this journey to recovery. God knows I'm going to need all the help I can get!